As It Turns
Out
As it turns out they have relaxed the restrictions and I think
your son should
reapply. Make sure he wears protective clothing since he will
most likely
appear before one with a bird head, one with a rat head, and
one with the
head of a snake.
Bad Luck
It is bad luck to drop a book and not step on it.
It is bad luck to bring a hoe into the house.
It is bad luck to sweep the floor before the sun rises.
It is bad luck to count the stars.
It is bad luck to comb your hair
after dark.
It is bad luck to rock an empty chair.
It is bad luck to burn apple trees for firewood.
It is bad luck to eat only one helping of rice.
It is bad luck to look at the
moon through branches.
It is bad luck to meet a left-handed person on Tuesday.
It is bad luck to watch a person out of sight.
It is bad luck for a black hen to come into the house.
It is bad luck to milk a cow
on the ground.
It is bad luck to sell a crowing hen.
It is bad luck to wear a needle in your clothes.
It is bad luck to break a bird egg.
It is bad luck to spin a chair
on one leg.
It is bad luck to dream of eating cabbage.
It is bad luck to see a pin and not pick it up.
It is bad luck to open an umbrella in the house.
It is bad luck to sit on a pair
of scissors.
It is bad luck to see a cat's tail by the fire.
It is bad luck to sun bed sheets on Friday.
It is bad luck to sit on a trunk.
It is bad luck to be proposed
to in church.
It is bad luck to carry eggs after sunset.
It is bad luck for a sick person to cut his fingernails.
It is bad luck to dream about eating white grapes.
It is bad luck to wear black
at a wedding.
It is bad luck to be married in black.
It is bad luck to be married on Thursday.
It is bad luck to name a baby for the dead.
It is bad luck to change a baby's
name.
It is bad luck to dream about rat's fighting.
It is bad luck to wash new clothes before they are worn.
It is bad luck to sift through the ashes.
It is bad luck to prod the beach
rubble.
It is bad luck to sneeze with your mouth full.
It is bad luck to have small ears.
It is bad luck to have sulphur in your shoes.
It is bad luck to see a candle
go out.
It is bad luck to burn red candles.
It is bad luck to find a knot in a feather.
It is bad luck to not fold back the thumb.
It is bad luck to find a snake
bone in your pillow.
It is bad luck to have a frog in your leg.
It is bad luck to hear a screeching owl.
It is bad luck if fruit trees bloom twice a year.
Basho's Milk
Dud
Basho said to his disciple: "When you have a Milk Dud, I
will give it to
you. If you have no Milk Dud, I will take it away from you."
The Beach
My girlfriend and I were at the beach when she commented on how
appealing she found a seagull that was eating nearby. I told
her that it
wasn't cute, that it might not even really be a bird.
Dad
Dad was told by a fortuneteller that he would die September 9,
1993. The day
came and went and Dad, who had died eight months previously,
had the last laugh.
Disappointment
6'5"
4"
Favorite Color
My favorite
color on
barns is red
but on people
I mean ghosts
it's blue.
A Fjord
In Norway
I never saw a Fjord
But one day
I saw a Chjevrolet.
Flag
We were pledging allegiance to the flag and Dad caught me looking
out the
window. Mom said she didn't think that was very patriotic of
me. I said I
was looking at the flag outside on the pole. Dad thought it over
and said
that from now on we were to all look at the flag inside.
Found
One day I found a pea the size of a golf ball. The next day I
found a golf
ball the size of a pea.
Greek Lineup
Parmenides rf
Zeno 2b
Anaxagoros 1b
Democritus cf
Melissus 3b
Empedocles lf
Heraclitus c
Pythagoras ss
Thales p
Handy Hint
Burlap wrapped around your dog's face when he's hanging his head
out of a
car window will keep bugs from sticking in his teeth. From time
to time it
may be necessary to remove the burlap and clean it. However,
a neater dog
will result and grooming will not be so tiring.
How To Write
A Haiku
A well-known American poet was asked how to compose a haiku.
"The usual method is three lines," Ron explained. "The
first line contains
five syllables; the second line, seven syllables; the third line,
five
syllables. One of my poems illustrates this:
First: five syllables
Second: seven syllables
Third: five syllables
Just Go Fuck
Yourself
Gasan was sitting at the bedside of Tekisui three days before
his
teacher's passing.
Tekisui had already chosen Gasan as his successor.
A temple had recently burned down and Gasan was rebuilding it.
Tekisui
asked him: "What are you going to do when the temple is
rebuilt?"
"When you're better we want you to speak there," said
Gasan.
"Suppose I die before then?"
"Then we'll find somebody else," replied Gasan.
"Suppose you can't get anybody?" said Tekisui.
Gasan answered loudly: "Don't ask such stupid questions.
Just go fuck
yourself."
Monopoly
How come there's only one game called Monopoly?
Own Your Own
Have you ever dreamed about owning your own yacht or thole? You
can own your own thole for less than it would cost you to own
your
own yacht. In fact, you can own your own thole for the same amount
as
a Thoth.
Photography
Lesson
Blend into the background. The best photographers become part
of the
scenery. Hang around a place and appear natural and relaxed.
Do what others
are doing, whether it's reading in a park or watching a ballgame—the
object
is to fit in. This photo is of my shower and I am by the door.
Plastic Ruler
Wood Ruler
Our family went shopping for school supplies one Sunday at the
local
shopping center. I noticed that plastic rulers cost more than
wood rulers
even though the wood ones were nicer and I thought that maybe
it was
because the plastic ones were longer.
Poem Opened
A. Muscle
B. Gills
C. Mantle
D. Palpi
E. Mouth
H. Anus
I. Intestine
L. Liver
16 O'S 16
0'S
O O 0 O 0 O O
0 O 0 0 O 00
0 O 0 0 OO 0
0 O O O O O
0 0 0 0 O
Rejected Mafia
Nicknames
Vanilla
Kitty
Jughead
Señor Wences
Marcel Duchamp
Archilochus
Tony the Logical Positivist
X-15
Gideon
Achilles Fang
The Ten Commandments,
In No Particular Order
6, 7, 10, 4, 9, 3, 1, 8, 5
This Mind
Is Buddha
Two monks were arguing about whether their train was moving.
One said: "Our train is moving."
The other said: "The train on the tracks next to us is moving."
The sixth patriarch happened to be walking down the aisle. He
asked them:
"Would I look good in short shorts?"
Timmy John
I remember the first time we left little Timmy John alone. We
had one of
those doors for the cat to go in and out of. Sure enough, when
we got home,
little Timmy John had his head caught in it. He wasn't hurt or
anything-just
a little frightened. But the cat was mad.
Untitled
I got a great job last Friday but the pay is too low and the
work I do is
humiliating.
We Have Chocolate
Pudding
When Banzan was walking through the Union Square greenmarket
he overheard
a conversation between a vendor and his customer.
"Do you have chocolate mousse?" asked the customer.
"We have chocolate pudding," replied the vendor.
At these words Banzan became enlightened.
World Poetry
Projections
2000 2,385,825,000 poems
2025 4,963,017,000 poems
2050 5,365,924,000 poems
2525 9,809,397,000 poems
These appeared in Appearances, Big Bridge, Brooklyn Review, Columbia, The Curse, Elimae, Exquisite Corpse, Fat, Long Shot, Lungfull!, McSweeney's, Mudfish, New York Press, The Poetry Project Newsletter, Public Illumination Magazine, The Quarterly, RealPoetik, Talisman, and Tricycle.
Some of these poems also were published in the following anthologies: American Poets Say Goodbye to the 20th Century (Four Walls Eight Windows, 1996), Crimes of the Beats (Autonomedia, 1998), Thus Spake the Corpse: An Exquisite Corpse Reader, 1988-1998 (Black Sparrow, 1999), The Outlaw Bible of American Poetry (Thunder's Mouth, 1999).
